Possessed by God

Jeremiah 20

Jeremiah spends a whole day in stocks because of his prophecying of doom -- and he comes out of it doing more of the same, continuing to announce the destruction that the Lord is going to bring on Judah using the nation of Babylon,even to the point of changing the name of the priest to 'terror on every side' as an illustration. Then he complains to the Lord that the Lord has trapped him in this role which causes him to be ridiculed and mocked, and you see how difficult it is for Jeremiah, what a weight and stress it is to be doing this task, how much he wants to escape and yet how much he is urged on by his own inner compulsion and calling to continue to do the work of the Lord.

8 Whenever I speak, I cry out
proclaiming violence and destruction.
So the word of the LORD has brought me
insult and reproach all day long.

9 But if I say, "I will not mention him
or speak any more in his name,"
his word is in my heart like a fire,
a fire shut up in my bones.
I am weary of holding it in;
indeed, I cannot.

And


18 Why did I ever come out of the womb
to see trouble and sorrow
and to end my days in shame?


It is not always pleasant -- or perhaps it is not even usually pleasant -- to do the work of the Lord. Jeremiah is speaking the words that God has given him, and it is thankless, miserable, agonizing, isolating. Yet he persists. He persists because he must; God has put it in him to do it.

I think there is a similarity between this experience of Jeremiah and in how Vic felt during this whole bad scene of the past couple years at church, when he has been the lone voice being pressured to change his mind about what he thought was true and right. And in the aftermath (it may even be wrong to use the word aftermath yet), Vic is profoundly effected and discouraged. And I am aware that I have begun operating shallowly with regard to the whole thing. I want to feel like it's over, so I want to act like it's over, to expect that Vic now just needs to get up and walk, so to speak. In my impatience that things aren't 'back to normal' at church, I have been less of a support to Vic and more reserved and surface-y with him than I should be. God, thank you for showing me this.

'Back to normal' is not the goal. 'Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done' is.

Funny how I was criticizing the content of our prayers at prayer meeting yesterday. I can liken my desire for so-called normalcy with Vic at church to our prayers at prayer meeting about the economic downturn. We want what we want. We want our own comfort, and that is more at the forefront of our mind than the real issues of sin involved with our nation. We find it uncomfortable to look deeper -- at the real issues -- and we just want things to be back to the way we like it.

Lord, help me to re-engage with what is truly going on here. What are you doing? What are you continuing to do? Is Vic's assurance of salvation, which we are meeting to pray about, the only issue that we should be praying about or are there other issues that are really the ones that should be of concern?

Breaking a pot at Jopheth Jeremiah 19

This chapter has really gotten me thinking.

God has been castigating the children of Israel for idolotry throughout this book of Jeremiah, but here he focuses in on the practice of infant sacrifice that was connected with this idolotry. Topheth -- 'the fireplace' -- was a place where children were cast into the fire. And as a result of this practice, which has stemmed directly out of their idolotry, Jeremiah is instructed to break a clay pot into irreparable pieces, and proclaim to Israel that God will do the same to her because of her evil practices.

I think of our prayers for our country last night at prayer group and recently at church, and they mainly have to do with the alleviation of the economic downturn. In other words, we pray out of our fears for our own selves, and ask God to help us and provide for us. (And we are so used to having much more than 'daily bread', that we are essentially asking God to keep on letting us live in the lap of luxury and we feel as if we are only asking for what is our due.)

I'm not saying it's wrong to pray for ourselves and present our cares to God, but the economic downturn and it's effect on us seems small when I look at the book of Jeremiah and God's concerns. He does not want us to worship other Gods. He does not want us to kill babies. Those are his concerns. And these offenses are such that, in righteous anger, he is justified in destroying the people and their way of life, sending them into extreme suffering in exile, turning his face from them, allowing them to feel the horror of their seperation from God until they turn again to him and reject the false worship and evil practices that go along with it. Not until then will God save a remnant of them.

Should we not be praying that we and our countrymen would return to the Lord, and that any adverse circumstances we find ourselves in would move us in that direction? Should we not be mourning the slaughter of babies in our country and our world, and the false Gods that are worshipped all around us? Should we not be more concerned with these things than with our economic woes? And as, at times, we pray for the Lord's quick return, should we not be cowering at the thought of the just wrath of God at our country's idolotry and practices of infanticide? Our suffering as a nation is nothing compared with the punishment we deserve as a nation.

more on Jeremiah 17:5-10

Yesterday I noticed how God judges us -- from the inside out. I didn't think to relate this to the question about areas I have control over for the Step Study tonight. I didn't write down that I usually have control over my actions -- not always, but usually; and especially with people outside the family -- but that I do not have control of my thought life. I think mean things, sick things, angry things, hateful things, critical things, disinterested things -- all the while acting kindly toward a person. I also try to reject these thoughts, as they are not good and I know it. In fact, my kind actions are at least partially an effort to suppress and reject this sin. However, I rarely confess this sin, either to God or to the person. I am trying to deal with sin in my own way by burying it or ignoring it, rather than deal with it in God's way by admitting and confessing it, asking for forgiveness, and looking for the Spirit to give me a new thought life.

The other reason I am coming back to this passage is because of verses 5-8.

5 This is what the LORD says:
"Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.

6 He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

7 "But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in him.

8 He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit."

I look at verse 5 and realize that it describes me. I've always had trouble understanding the phrases 'in the flesh' and 'in the spirit', because we would not even be here if not for the spirit breathing life into us, so there is always a mix of spirit and flesh, and to act only in the flesh isn't even possible. Yet, this verse made me think in a new way: depending on flesh for my strength may mean depending on OTHER men (i.e. the opinion of my family, the feedback/positive strokes I get occupied with, the way I want people to think of me). I live with the opinion of my parents, my husband, my kids, my employer, my coworkers, and my friends as the scale by which I measure my life. I get a fair bit of positive feedback from them, and yet it never feels like enough to satisfy. And this is a parched place, a place that dries you out with trying and never receiving enough attention, a place that deludes you and places a barrier between you and God. You "don't see prosperity when it comes" -- could I take this to mean that I don't appreciate anything of what these relationships are in reality, because I am so preoccupied with getting my strength and affirmation from them and being disappointed? And that this attitude of mine places a smokescreen between me and God, so that I also cut myself off from the blessings of 'the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him'? I miss out on all that is described in verse 8 -- no fear, wholeness, no worries, fruitfulness.

It seems very logical for the thoughts in verse 9 to come next:
9 The heart is deceitful above all things
and beyond cure.
Who can understand it?

Jeremiah 17: 5-10

This is what the Lord says:

"Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the Lord.
He will be like a bush in the wastelands; he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives.
But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."

This is interesting to me: The Lord searches our HEART and examines our MIND (not our actions) to reward a man according to his CONDUCT/DEEDS... We can see men's deeds and judge them in a way; we see actions that seem good or evil, righteous or unrighteous, helpful or unhelpful to us. But when God judges our deeds and conduct, he judges it from the inside out and sees it all: the motivations, the hopes, the manipulations, etc. It is a falsehood to think that our heart and mind are not part of our conduct.

How does God judge me when I struggle to act kindly despite anger in my heart? I sometimes feel proud of controlling my actions and want to act as if that is 'good enough'. It is probably better for me to act kindly than to blast someone with my raw emotion. Yet, what God really wants is for me to also deal with my evil heart, and bring my sinful feelings to Him, and perhaps there are ways also to learn to bring them into the relationship involved in a healthy way.

I have a lot to learn.

Useless and shameful people

Jeremiah 12 & 13

Honesty here -- I am beginning to feel repelled by all the constant hammering away at the people, both God's chosen people and the other nations. The vivid images in chapter 13, of a soiled useless belt and a woman with her skirts pulled up over her head for all to see her shame make me feel a little sick. God is saying, and asking Jeremiah to say, some very ugly things here. If someone said these things today, I'd probably accuse them of using gratuitious sexual images.

So, God, why do you do this? Why do you speak in this most hurtful and demeaning of language? If I go back to your character -- that you are a faithful God, that you keep your promises, that you love your people, that you will not be mocked but will defend your glory, that you are a jealous God who expects the worship of your people -- it seems that you must have really been at the end of your rope here in trying to get your people to pay any attention at all to you. So you became very graphic.

I guess part of my aggravation is about the fact that these images of unfaithfulness are always female. I don't really know how these images would have hit the minds of the people of that ancient culture, but I know that they are making me feel a little sick and repulsed as a woman. Sexuality is confusing enough as it is, and so easily perverted, that I am really annoyed by the image of Judah as a prostitute or a mare neighing in heat. Was that culture more earthy and able to get meaning from these images without just weirding people out? Was prostitution very common then and done because of inappropriate sexual desire on the part of the women rather than financial need? I doubt it. Yes, I know you are extending the image of Israel as your bride. But why always use a female example, rather than an example of a randy man chasing skirts? If you were speaking to us today, would you use this same image or would you perhaps use an internet porn example? This is another example of how your ways are not my ways, and I often do not understand your ways.

I wonder if the existence of visual media, which is part of our culture but was not such a part of theirs, is effecting my reaction to this passage?

You answer Jeremiah when he asks why the wicked nations continue to prosper, saying that later they will also get their own come-uppance. You also hold out this ray of hope:

Jeremiah 12:15-17 "But after I uproot them, I will again have compassion and will bring each of them back to his own inheritance and his own country. And if they swear by my name, saying, 'As surely as the Lord lives' -- even as they once taught my people to swear by Baal -- then they will be estabished among my people. But if any nation does not listen, I will completely uproot and destroy it," declares the Lord.

I'm sure glad you throw this thought in there every so often -- that you will establish or re-establish people in relationship with you if they turn to you. I need to hear this over and over as I struggle.

Judgement and Protection

PART ONE: Jeremiah 11
Two definite parts to this chapter: God states clearly what his complaint is against Judah (the breaking of the Mosaic covenant). God gave them the land as promised, but they strayed from Him. They followed other gods, especially Baal, and the Lord intends to leave them to those gods. Natural consequences will take effect. He will let them cry out to Baal when destruction is upon them and see Baal's powerlessness. It is Judah's worship of Baal, this direct violation of the covenant, that has caused God to decree disaster for them.

Then Jeremiah tells about how God revealed to him a plot on his life. God says he will completely destroy the plotters, along with their families, and without leaving even a remnant. Let these passages serve as a warning to me, who has received goodness and blessing when I have not deserved it, who worries that I will be 'found out', but at the same time behaves as if God won't notice my sins: God knows, and God cares, and God will not be mocked.

PART TWO: Step Study thoughts
The Step Study is not exactly a Bible study. It is a commitment to a group of women to go through the 'steps' together to gain greater understanding of oneself and the experiences that have formed one's image of God, so that that image can be corrected, God can be better known, and change can take place in behaviors in which our motivations tend to be hidden from us. Each step is based on biblical principles.

I think I will do this. I will be forced to look at my sins full on, and hopefully turn some behaviors and relationships over to the Lord in a deeper way than I have. I will have the opportunity to spend time with sisters in Christ and get to know them on a deep level, which I have been lacking since the kids were young and I spent a lot of time with other women.

The first lesson topic is denial. I guess that's the first step. The scriptures Judy gave me are:
2 Peter 2:19 They promise them freedom while they themselves are slaves of depravity -- for a man is a slave to whatever has mastered him.
Psalm 146: 7-8 He upholds the cause of the oppressed and gives food to the hungry. The Lord sets prisoners free, the Lord gives sight to the blind, the Lord lifts up those who are bowed down, the Lord loves the righteous.
Psalm 107: 13-14 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble and He saved them from their distress. He brought them out of darkness and the deepest gloom and broke away their chains.
1 John 1:5-7 This is the message we have heard from him and decxlare to you: God is liht; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.
Ephesians 4:25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.
Jeremiah 30:17 'But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,' declares the Lord, 'because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares.'

Three part entry

PART ONE
Jeremiah 10 -- A description of idols and thier powerlessness, contrasted with God's reality and power.
Verse 10: But the Lord is the true God; he is the living God, the eternal King. When he is angry, the earth trembles; the nations cannot endure his wrath.

And later, Jeremiah prays:
Verse 23 -- I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own it is not for man to direct his steps. Correct me, Lord, but only with justice -- not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing.

Comment: Jeremiah desires God's justice but fears God's anger. My tendency is to fear God's justice as well, because I know that if simple justice were to reign, I would be justly put to death for my sin. It seems like God's justice would reduce me to nothing as well. But I need to remember that God's faithfulness to the enduring covenant is part of the justice -- so that Jeremiah trusts that God will not abandon his promises but will deal with injustice and wrongdoing in the context of that enduring covenant in which Israel is still God's people, despite the needed consequences and refining that they must go through in order to return to God.

PART TWO
I am thinking about attending the women's step study, but wonder if I have to have an identified 'recovery issue' in order to do so or if I can just go because I really want to be study the word with other women, be honest with you, God, and pursue my relationship with you more faithfully. But I also wonder if I do have an 'issue', and if that issue might be my craving for attention, respect, and admiration.

PART THREE
"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."
Somepoints from today's sermon:
-Being merciful is easier said than done.
-Mercy is not just clemency. It is also kindness and compassion.
-"obtain mercy" is active voice -- better expressed 'they shall be mercied by God'.
--In the future we will receive a return on the mercy we have given. God is abounding in mercy.
-Take the words of Christ seriously: forego retaliation, turn the other cheek, pray for those who persecute us, go the extra mile, etc.
-God wants us to experience an expanded mercy -- by making the unexpected merciful response simply to reflect God's abounding mercy
--Keirkegard: Mercy has converted more souls than zeal or eloquence or learning or all those combined.

It is good to reflect on God's mercy alongside reading Jeremiah with all God's expressions of hurt and anger and descriptions of the coming doom, sorrow, and desolation for Israel. God is both just and merciful. And we are urged toward both justice (righteousness) and mercy in the beatitudes.

The circumcised heart

This is Friday's reading, which I never commented upon and then I skipped Saturday. The Lord continues to list his people's sins, focusing on dishonesty and deceit and forsaking of the law, and then mourns over the desolation of the land that is the consequence of this behavior. Then he says:

Jeremiah 9:23-24
This is what the Lord says:
"Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," declares the Lord.

Then he finishes off by reiterating that the day of punishment is coming for those who are circumcised 'only in the flesh' and are 'uncircumcised in heart' like Israel.

God does not want any fakery. He sees right through it, straight to the heart of man. He is angered when our actions are evil, for those actions come out of an evil heart. He is also angered when our actions are fake, 'good' on the outside but coming from an evil, uncircumcised heart. God wants our hearts to be circumcised, to be devoted to understanding and knowing Him. From a circumcised heart will spring righteous actions and kindness and justice. My concern needs to be my heart. I am usually much more concerned with what shows than with what is in my heart, although the two are very intertwined. I try to act rightly even when my heart is NOT in the 'right place', and I think I have viewed that as a good thing. I'm thinking now that, if said right action, done despite evil in my heart, represents a struggle to resist evil and a desire to have my heart changed, then perhaps it is good. But if the right action is simply a way to hide my evil and boast in my own 'wisdom' or 'strength', then the net result is probably more harm than good, worse than if I had been honestly evil and born the consequences. The real lesson I am taking from this is that I should make every effort to deal with my heart in all circumstances. That is the thing that concerns God. He wants the source to be sound, then there is no worry about the actions. I need to concern myself more and more with my heart, which means simply listening to God's word and letting it reveal myself to me as it also reveals God to me. Then I will know and understand God, which is what the Lord says is of greater value than wisdom, strength, or riches.

Love hurts

Jeremiah 8:4
Say to them, 'This is what the Lord says: When men fall down, do they not get up? When a man turns away, does he not return? Why then have these peope turned away? Why does Jerusalem always turn away? They cling to deceit; they refuse to return.

Jeremiah 8:18 -- 9:2
(J)O my Comforter in sorrow, my heart is faint within me. Listen to the cry of my people from a land far away: Is the Lord not in Zion? Is her King no longer there?

(G)Why have they provoked me to anger with their images, with their worthless foreign idols?

(J)The harvest is past, the summer has ended, and we are not saved.

Since my people are crushed, I am crushed; I mourn, and horror grips me. Is there no balm in Gilead? Is there no physician there? Why then is there no healing for the wound of my people? Oh, that my head were a spring of water and my eyes a fountain of tears! I would weep day and night for the slain of my people. Oh that I had in the desert a lodging place for travelers, so that I might leave my people and go away from them; for they are all adulterers.



God is gravely hurt and driven to rebuke and anger and punishment by the unfaithfulness of his people, whom He loves. Jeremiah also loves this people, and is announcing God's word to them, and is hurt as they do not respond and he sees what is coming upon them because of it. He pleads for them, he pleads with them, he hurts for them, and he also wants to flee from the pain of it all. This is what I was thinking about yesterday -- the pain of loving people -- and how happy we are when that love is returned, and how deeply it hurts when our loved ones lash out at us. It makes me want to stop loving. It makes me want to get away, and yet I don't want to get away at all because I care. We bear a lot of pain because of love. And it feels miserable. I am very aware of my own misery when this happens. Perhaps I need to translate this into being aware of how I make God feel when I ignore him or rebel.

Trusting in the temple

Jeremiah 7: 3-7a
This is what the Lord Almight, the God of Israel, says: Reform your ways and your actions, and I will let you live in this place. Do not trust in deceptive words and say, "This is the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord, the temple of the Lord!" If you really change your ways and your actions and deal with each other justy.... then I will let you live in this place.

Jeremiah 7:14
Therefore, what I did to Shiloh I will now do to the house that bears my Name, the temple you trust in, the place I gave to you and your fathers.

It is hard to relate to the passages that so emphasize physical destruction of land and property and being thrust out of the land, as in the destruction of Shiloh and the many threats of physical destruction and exile that God makes here. Just like I am not accustomed to seeing the Holy Spirit miraculously heal people in today's world and culture, I am unused to the kind of physical destruction at God's hand that He keeps having Jeremiah announce. My experience with God seems more intangible than this -- more of the spirit/emotions/thoughts/beliefs/attitudes than of the body/church building/dwelling place/animal sacrifice variety. The physical things of my life have been very stable. Unemployment has so far been more of a blip than a destruction, although we are waiting on the Lord right now to see if this will still be true. I have also lived with incredible physical health and safety, not only me but most of my family and friends (not without loss, but always there was time for healing and usually the belief that those I've lost are now with the Lord). My struggles in day-to-day obedience have been all about being Christ-like in relationships, having communication with God regularly in the Word and prayer, and figuring out how to respond in obedience. What was it like for the Israelites each day? The same? Did they have seeming physical security, despite ignoring God for a long time, which led to their lack of response to Jeremiah and God's warnings of destruction? Lord, I hope I am listening to you and that I will obey you.

Jeremiah 7: 22-24
"For when I brought your forefathers out of Egypt and spoke to them, I did not just give them commands about burnt offerings and sacrifices, but I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you. But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn inclinations of their evil hearts. They went backward and not forward."

I relate to that last sentence. I have slipped subtly and silently backward for a number of years and, Lord, I do not want to keep on slipping. I want to obey you, as you command.

I need help

Jeremiah 6:10
To whom can I speak and give warning? Who will listen to me?
Their ears are closed so they cannot hear.
The word of the Lord is offensive to them; they find no pleasure in it.

Jeremiah 6:16-19
This is what the Lord says:
"Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths. Ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls. But you said,'We will not walk in it'. I appointed watchmen over you and said 'Listen to the sound of the trumpet!' But you said, 'We will not listen.'
Therefore hear, O nations; observe, O witnesses, what will happen to them. Hear, O earth: I am bringing disaster on this people, the fruit of their schemes, because they have not listened to my words and have rejected my law.

How do I apply such passages to my life? In what ways should I be identifying with Israel? Lord, I have found no pleasure in your word -- have mercy on me, and help me to find the good way and walk in it, as you command. Israel did not listen to your words and rejected your law. They became hardened rebels (v. 28) and you rejected them. Save me from that fate. Have mercy.

A false feeling of invincibility

Jeremiah 5
v 12-15
They have lied about the Lord; they said, "He will do nothing! No harm will come to us; we will never see sword or famine. the prophets are but wind and the word is not in them; so let what they say be done to them."
Therefore this is what the Lord God Almighty says:
"Because the people have spoken these words, I will make my words in your mouth a fire and these people the wood it consumes..."

My life has been so fortunate that it is easy to think no harm will ever come to me. I have always been loved, clothed, and fed. I have had many opportunities, and have usually succeeded at them at least to a degree. My parents are proud of me and pleased with me. I get strokes from employers and coworkers, and in ministry at church. So I take all this positive feedback in -- and I put it next to the private and personal knowledge of my sin which is seldom noticed or mentioned -- and it starts to feel like I will never get 'caught' in my sin. No one knows my secret pride. No one knows my evil, hateful thoughts or lack of spiritual growth. I have my over-indulgences in food and fiction, and no one calls me on it. I have learned to apologize for my overt sins against others, and I am sincere and people usually forgive me.

Two things result from this:
1. I am prone to think, like Israel, God will do nothing. No harm will come to me.
2. At the same time, solitary awareness of my private sins, alongside my decent public image, make me all that much more prone to keep them private so as not to tarnish my image. I do not want to share these inner struggles or even admit them to myself, yet I feel shame over them. The longer I successfully hide, the harder it is to think that someone will 'find out who I really am' and their image of me will be shot to pieces.
3. When I do think about sharing my inner struggles, my evil and self-centered mind jumps to devising ways to share them that will also boost my public image -- i.e. "Isn't it wonderful how transparent she is? How much she wants to grow in the Lord?" -- and I imagine how much attention or respect I might get out of it.

I can understand why God cannot find any who deal honestly and seek the truth (v1) and why there is no basis in Israel or Judah's or my behavior on which to base forgiveness.

Any forgiveness given to me is entirely a result of God's merciful heart. I have no merit whatsoever.

Confession used in church today

Mighty God,
I humble myself for faculties misused, opportunities neglected, words ill-advised.
I repent of my folly and inconsiderate ways, my broken resolutions, untrue service, my backsliding steps, my vain thoughts.
O bury my sins in the ocean of Jesus' blood and let no evil result from my fretful temper, unseemly behavior, provoking pettiness.

Cement my oneness with my blessed Lord, that faith may adhere to him immovably,
that love may entwine itself round him more tightly,
that his Spirit may pervade every fiber of my being.
Then send me out to make him known to my fellow-men.
--from "Humility in Service" in The Valley of Vision

unplowed ground

Jeremiah 4:3-4
"This is what the Lord says to the men of Judah and to Jerusalem: "Break up your unplowed ground and do not sow among thorns. Circumcise yourselves to the Lord, circumcise your hearts, you men of Judah and people of Jerusalem, or my wrath will break out and burn like fire because of the evil you have done -- burn with no one to quench it."

Hosea 10:12 (which Jeremiah was probably quoting or referring to)
"Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground for it is time to seek the Lord until he comes and showers righteousness on you."

Matthew 13: 7, 22 (Jesus's parable of the sower)
"...Other seed fell among the thorns, which grew up and choked the plants..."
"The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful."

God is speaking to me clearly through this passage. It is time for me to open up my heart. It is time for a new shoot of faith to be allowed to break through the ground in my heart which I have allowed to become hard. Thorns have choked the life out of my faith over the years. The thorns are the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth as Matthew says. For me, it translates into focusing too much on the responsibilities of family, functioning more as a responsible church member than a repentant Christian, and letting a false sense of financial stability dull my awareness of real dependence on God.

Jeremiah clearly says that the people need to break up the hard ground and not sow among thorns. The onus is on them to do this. I need to figure out how to break up the hardness of my own heart, with God's help. I need to see where I am sowing among thorns.

I keep thinking that one thing I need to do is share this struggle in some way with someone or ones but the idea horrifies me. It horrifies me because I fail over and over at change, my various private attempts at change and the enthusiasm for pursuing them lasts usually about a week or two and then I lose interest and nothing is different. Of course, I usually don't tell anyone but sometimes I do, and that doesn't seem to make a difference either. I am ashamed. I am afraid I will be pitied and looked down on as a poor specimen of a Christian, still at such an immature and elementary state after the many years since I started to follow Jesus. I don't want to give up the possibility that someone might think I'm wise or clever or mature, for that is probably my idol.

I hate writing these things. I don't want them to be true. I keep wanting to go back and erase, because this voice comes into my head saying "Oh, no, no. You're not so bad. You have been following God all these years, and your children are Christians now, and you have done well." Well, God has shown mercy to me and my family over and over. "Mercy" is one prayer that I can say I have cried out often throughout the years, and still pray. But I need to resist denying the fact that my heart has been lukewarm for a long time, with occasional warming trends but just as many times of ignoring the frigid-ness in favor of this, that, and the other distraction that I enjoy. And the main basis of my saying this is that I do not love God's word, and at some point I essentially let myself off the hook of consistently delving into the Word. I prefer to complain about God being invisible than to seek him in daily communication by listening and talking to him. I have been running my car on fumes of past learning and sermons and the occasional class -- but my tank is really empty and it's time to start filling it up.

Return

Jeremiah Chapter 3

God compares Israel to a faithless wife who has deserted her husband and has 'gone up on every high hill and under every spreading tree and has committed adultery there."(v6) In full acknowledgement of her behavior, he tells Jeremiah to say "Return, faithless Israel...I will frown on you no longer , for I am merciful...I will not be angry forever. Only acknowledge your guilt..." (v12-13)

Verse 22-23: "Return, faithless people, and I will cure you of backsliding."
"Yes, we will come to you, for you are the Lord our God. Surely the idolatrous commotion on the hills and mountains is a deception; surely in the Lord or God is the salvation of Israel."

Over and over, God calls Israel to return. He reassures her of his mercy. He says he will provide "shepherds after my own heart, who will lead you with kowledge and understanding"(v15). God is so transparent in his love and longing, in his hurt and accusation, and in his willingness and hope to restore Israel to himself.

Israel is a people, but Israel is also me. I am guilty of living independently and ignoring God, even while knowing that God's way is the only way that leads to life and joy. I know this, yet I struggle with shame. I do not want to admit my lack of inner consonance with God's plan for me (or my apathy and ignorance regarding it), either to myself or to others. I want to think that I've just been a bit lazy, but it's not really that detrimental to my life that my scripture study is almost non-existent because I already have the 'right ideas' established in my brain and in my life due to my years of being a Christian. The problem is, this makes the Christian life just a matter of following the rules and going through the motions while ignoring the living relationship that God calls us to. Yes God talks about the faithless actions of Israel, but the essence of his complaint is faithlessness to His person that He is grieving over, not faithlessness to His rules. It is faithlessness to truth, the truth that there is a covenantal relationship, similar to marriage, and Israel is breaking it. I need to admit that I am breaking my marriage covenant with God when I ignore God and simply live by rules and traditions. It is a lie to say that I am still being faithful to God when I am living this way. Lord, I am admitting it now, and asking you to cure me of backsliding, as you say you will.

PS: I am brought now to the further thought that perhaps I am seriously breaking my marriage covenant when I simply go through the nuts-and-bolts motions of our marriage without putting much of my heart into it. That is also food for further thought.

Why Jeremiah?

For some reason, I decided to try to read a chapter of Jeremiah each day. People often quote Jeremiah, maybe I'd find it relevant too.

Yesterday, Jeremiah chapter 1: God can do whatever he wants through a person, even if they feel ill-equipped as Jeremiah did. God gives Jeremiah a job and says that He is all the equipment that Jeremiah needs. God is watching to see that His word is fulfilled.
Comments: My sinful lazy heart wants to find an excuse for myself here -- i.e. "if God wanted me to be doing more -- bigger -- more fruitful things, He'd do what He did to Jeremiah and make it happen." But how many times to I squelch a loving or bold impulse that just may have been God's voice calling, rather than acknowledging the impulse and considering it/ praying about it/ asking someone else what they think?

Today, Jeremiah chapter 2: Title: Israel Forsakes God. God, am I forsaking You? Is that what I am doing these days? Do you remember 'the devotion of my youth'(v2) and compare it with my behavior of today? Have I exchanged my Glory for worthless idols like Israel did, and are the heavens appalled and shuddering with great horror?(v11-12) Israel is accused of forsaking God, the spring of living water, and digging their own broken cisterns that cannot hold water.(v13) Well, yes I am parched. That is what I was describing in the previous post.

"Your wickedness will punish you; your backsliding will rebuke you. Consider then and realize how evil and bitter it is for you when you forsake the Lord your God and have no awe of me," declares the Lord, the Lord Almighty. (v19)

Why Jeremiah? God, I don't want to admit that this is me you are talking about, but if You are real and really do act then it is not just chance that I am reading this particular passage. You are trying to do something in my life. And I don't know if I want to get out of my miserable comfort zone and go along with it. It is bitter for me when I forsake you, but I find it terrifying to wonder what it means to go wholeheartedly along with you. Why do I feel this way?

Hopefully, You are watching and will see that your word is fulfilled. I am a miserable, fearful weakling. I simultaneously know that there is nothing better than your will, and want to run as far from You and from exposure of my sin as I possibly can.

Discouragements of a long-time Christian

I am bothered, over the last few years, by how routine it has become to consider myself a Christian. I do not feel as if I am plagued by unbelief; yet I don't see a lot of identifiable fruit resulting from my belief. I still serve regularly in the church, and feel as if I sincerely want my service to glorify God. At the same time, I do things as a matter of habit and routine, fulfilling my responsibilities but not terribly aware of the work of the Spirit in what I am doing. My relationships seem shallow and I feel as if I am cordially liked but basically inconsequential to others. My thoughts center on myself and my immediate family, but not much on others outside of that group.

Two things are the immediate cause of this line of thought. First, a comment from a sermon on "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." It was stated that to hunger and thirst for righteousness means that you would rather die than not have it. (Not at all the same thing as simply 'preferring' righteousness.) And I realized that most of the time I do not hunger and thirst for anything in that all-out way. Even those things that I do desire strongly -- mostly selfish hopes for myself or my family members, and the desire for some of my famlily members to know Christ -- I have hidden from myself out of fear of disappointment. When they surface, I find myself crying and mourning and pleading for mercy but without much hope. And I don't feel much passion for righteousness, even though I do agree that it is to be desired.

The second thing is a passage in the book "L'Abri" by Edith Schaeffer, which I will type in here since I do not own the book and would like to be able to refer back.

Page 156-157 (excerpts)
"People often say they want to "experience reality", or to "experience contact with God, or with the supernatural...What they want is something that can be "turned on" and felt, loked back on and remembered. But they also want a lot of freedom in the use of their lives, as far as rest, recreation, and work goes. Most people want their ventures to be limited to nine to twelve on Sundays... There are some who are not Christians who would like some sort of a supernatural experience, including the excitement of contactin God, if He exists. But they are NOT willing to examine the evidence and come to Him in the way He has appointed. There are others who are Christians, who really almost envy the answers to prayer that they hear about, but they want specific answers to some specific requests without the rest of their lives being changed in any way. They would like some prayers answered in some realms, and they would like to know what it is like to be "led" by God's direction in certain aspects of their lives. They may even present two alternatives to God in their prayers, but they push the rest of the possibilities away. We are very conscious of this because the inward battle to be honest before God when one asks "show me Thy will" is a very real struggle. It is so easy to clutch to oneself certain things which really erase the whole request, and annul it. This is not only true at a time of crisis, but is true at any time one asks to be shown God's plan. Many Christians want the excitement of a reply from God, but not the pain of the struggle.....it would be a totally unfair picture to go on relating incidents of answered prayer without a constant reminder that much is involved. The whole person is involved in being a Christian. The whole life is involved in living in contact with God. But real life is involved, and the whole of eternity is involved in your conclusions and decisions concerning these things in this life."

So I wonder whether I am one of those Christians that is fundamentally holding back, and if this is at the root of my buried emotions and lack of fruitfulness. And I wonder when I became this way (or if I always was). I see that I do not read scripture most days, so I guess I must admit that I do really have an ear to God. I see that I have very little self-discipline, in that I start a 'program' (of Bible reading, of dieting, of exercise, of writing or thinking or creating) and it peters out after just a couple of weeks or even days.

This is not the behavior of someone hungering and thirsting after God and his righteousness.