unplowed ground

Jeremiah 4:3-4
"This is what the Lord says to the men of Judah and to Jerusalem: "Break up your unplowed ground and do not sow among thorns. Circumcise yourselves to the Lord, circumcise your hearts, you men of Judah and people of Jerusalem, or my wrath will break out and burn like fire because of the evil you have done -- burn with no one to quench it."

Hosea 10:12 (which Jeremiah was probably quoting or referring to)
"Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground for it is time to seek the Lord until he comes and showers righteousness on you."

Matthew 13: 7, 22 (Jesus's parable of the sower)
"...Other seed fell among the thorns, which grew up and choked the plants..."
"The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful."

God is speaking to me clearly through this passage. It is time for me to open up my heart. It is time for a new shoot of faith to be allowed to break through the ground in my heart which I have allowed to become hard. Thorns have choked the life out of my faith over the years. The thorns are the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth as Matthew says. For me, it translates into focusing too much on the responsibilities of family, functioning more as a responsible church member than a repentant Christian, and letting a false sense of financial stability dull my awareness of real dependence on God.

Jeremiah clearly says that the people need to break up the hard ground and not sow among thorns. The onus is on them to do this. I need to figure out how to break up the hardness of my own heart, with God's help. I need to see where I am sowing among thorns.

I keep thinking that one thing I need to do is share this struggle in some way with someone or ones but the idea horrifies me. It horrifies me because I fail over and over at change, my various private attempts at change and the enthusiasm for pursuing them lasts usually about a week or two and then I lose interest and nothing is different. Of course, I usually don't tell anyone but sometimes I do, and that doesn't seem to make a difference either. I am ashamed. I am afraid I will be pitied and looked down on as a poor specimen of a Christian, still at such an immature and elementary state after the many years since I started to follow Jesus. I don't want to give up the possibility that someone might think I'm wise or clever or mature, for that is probably my idol.

I hate writing these things. I don't want them to be true. I keep wanting to go back and erase, because this voice comes into my head saying "Oh, no, no. You're not so bad. You have been following God all these years, and your children are Christians now, and you have done well." Well, God has shown mercy to me and my family over and over. "Mercy" is one prayer that I can say I have cried out often throughout the years, and still pray. But I need to resist denying the fact that my heart has been lukewarm for a long time, with occasional warming trends but just as many times of ignoring the frigid-ness in favor of this, that, and the other distraction that I enjoy. And the main basis of my saying this is that I do not love God's word, and at some point I essentially let myself off the hook of consistently delving into the Word. I prefer to complain about God being invisible than to seek him in daily communication by listening and talking to him. I have been running my car on fumes of past learning and sermons and the occasional class -- but my tank is really empty and it's time to start filling it up.