Discouragements of a long-time Christian

I am bothered, over the last few years, by how routine it has become to consider myself a Christian. I do not feel as if I am plagued by unbelief; yet I don't see a lot of identifiable fruit resulting from my belief. I still serve regularly in the church, and feel as if I sincerely want my service to glorify God. At the same time, I do things as a matter of habit and routine, fulfilling my responsibilities but not terribly aware of the work of the Spirit in what I am doing. My relationships seem shallow and I feel as if I am cordially liked but basically inconsequential to others. My thoughts center on myself and my immediate family, but not much on others outside of that group.

Two things are the immediate cause of this line of thought. First, a comment from a sermon on "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." It was stated that to hunger and thirst for righteousness means that you would rather die than not have it. (Not at all the same thing as simply 'preferring' righteousness.) And I realized that most of the time I do not hunger and thirst for anything in that all-out way. Even those things that I do desire strongly -- mostly selfish hopes for myself or my family members, and the desire for some of my famlily members to know Christ -- I have hidden from myself out of fear of disappointment. When they surface, I find myself crying and mourning and pleading for mercy but without much hope. And I don't feel much passion for righteousness, even though I do agree that it is to be desired.

The second thing is a passage in the book "L'Abri" by Edith Schaeffer, which I will type in here since I do not own the book and would like to be able to refer back.

Page 156-157 (excerpts)
"People often say they want to "experience reality", or to "experience contact with God, or with the supernatural...What they want is something that can be "turned on" and felt, loked back on and remembered. But they also want a lot of freedom in the use of their lives, as far as rest, recreation, and work goes. Most people want their ventures to be limited to nine to twelve on Sundays... There are some who are not Christians who would like some sort of a supernatural experience, including the excitement of contactin God, if He exists. But they are NOT willing to examine the evidence and come to Him in the way He has appointed. There are others who are Christians, who really almost envy the answers to prayer that they hear about, but they want specific answers to some specific requests without the rest of their lives being changed in any way. They would like some prayers answered in some realms, and they would like to know what it is like to be "led" by God's direction in certain aspects of their lives. They may even present two alternatives to God in their prayers, but they push the rest of the possibilities away. We are very conscious of this because the inward battle to be honest before God when one asks "show me Thy will" is a very real struggle. It is so easy to clutch to oneself certain things which really erase the whole request, and annul it. This is not only true at a time of crisis, but is true at any time one asks to be shown God's plan. Many Christians want the excitement of a reply from God, but not the pain of the struggle.....it would be a totally unfair picture to go on relating incidents of answered prayer without a constant reminder that much is involved. The whole person is involved in being a Christian. The whole life is involved in living in contact with God. But real life is involved, and the whole of eternity is involved in your conclusions and decisions concerning these things in this life."

So I wonder whether I am one of those Christians that is fundamentally holding back, and if this is at the root of my buried emotions and lack of fruitfulness. And I wonder when I became this way (or if I always was). I see that I do not read scripture most days, so I guess I must admit that I do really have an ear to God. I see that I have very little self-discipline, in that I start a 'program' (of Bible reading, of dieting, of exercise, of writing or thinking or creating) and it peters out after just a couple of weeks or even days.

This is not the behavior of someone hungering and thirsting after God and his righteousness.